“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
the pigeons are already plenty salty
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Now, where’s the sport in that?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.