“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Just me?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.