The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Is this you?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Lmaoo 😂
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.