[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
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A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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The glockness monster
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?