the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
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Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.