put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?