@Thedudish: The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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@brennadine: Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
@SteveDutzy: Remember, if you get dumped, it's only because they're looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
@Bownuggets: Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I have never seen this before: You have no bones!" Me: "Really? Could the x-ray be broken?" Doctor: "Ignore what I just said."