The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
What a year we’ve had this week.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies