The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
You Might Also Like
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
But I really needed water water water
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..