The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
U talkin 2 me?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan