Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
me when i see my girls butt
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
i spent way too long on this
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one