@ilovepie84: The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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@Jenny4ashley: Post that you're pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments. Tweet that you're pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
@LackOfShame: Her: Something's changed in here. Me: I put a new bulb in. Her: Well it's not very bright Bulb: Okay wow I'm like right here.
@bazlyons: Turns out when you're asked who your favourite child is you're expected to pick from your own.
@david8hughes: [in Walmart] "Excuse me, do you have towels?" "Oh, I don't work here." [leans in close] "I don't give a shit where you work."