The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.