The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
gentlemen, hear me out
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.