I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
A baby bear catches snowflakes.