@PaperWash: The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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@Mikecanrant: 1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D 2) Put them on your mantle 3) Invite dad over 4) Become favorite son
@HeyZeus666: In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then mom gave birth to me.
@david8hughes: [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
@iheartgunts: I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.