The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure