@PaperWash: The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah's wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
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@SteveDutzy: Principal: Your son is a gamer [Parents are visibly shaken] Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs. Parents: OH THANK GOD
@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert] Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
@SteelFontana: When you have "very happily married" in your bio, we read that as "DM me about my other secret account 'cause my spouse watches this one."
@NeptunePhoenix: Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day. If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don't come back as a giraffe.