Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Never forget.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.