My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR