If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Breaking news:
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.