The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
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My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.