@noog: The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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@FuckabillyRex: *during sex Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed? Me: Nope. Way better. *pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
@Lexactly: Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying "Cute doggie" and realizing it's their kid
@Courtniss_: There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
@michaelianblack: Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, "Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"