The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
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The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”