The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Sunday
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
If Mr Krabs owned a bar