@Fickle_Filly: The birds that suddenly appear every time I'm near are circling vultures.
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@SMLXist: What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
@BareChesty: 911: What's your emergency? Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead 911: Can you verify that he's dead? *gunshot* Me: Yep, he's dead
@dafloydsta: [date] HER: So do you like Star Wars? ME: Oh yeah HER: Who's your favorite character? ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
@Contwixt: That awkward moment when you realize your wife's funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.