The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Life cycle of cat
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
wut hotdog?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.