People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers