The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
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Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Encore…
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.