If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle