My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’d use my best pan on you.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.