The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
the Monday after daylight savings
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
A wise man once said nothing.