It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
You Might Also Like
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it