The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
any last words?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I bet birds love this building.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
the greatest twitter interaction
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing