The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Probably my best painting.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.