The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
You Might Also Like
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry