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@NurseMurderer: The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
@QwertyJones3: "You're never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I've got a protein deficiency."
@AimeeHelene1: If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I'm with in the face. I've been kidnapped & need saved!!
@marcusparkersol: I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
@stupidityHQ: If I was a germ, I'd probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
@Brampersandon_: [bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn't get me a toupee again, did you?
*slowly pulls gift back*