@lazerdoov: The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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@briancthayer: Wife: Could you be dehydrated? Me: Of course not. W: How much water have you had? Me: Two coffees & a bourbon. W: Wow. Me: Told you.
@Parentpains: Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they'll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.
@TeaPainUSA: Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain't taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain't taught in church.
@PeterClayton6: My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.