The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: