The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.