The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
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Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
sensitive skin
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.