The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait