@jasonroeder: The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, "That's how I want you to do it."
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@hipstermermaid: I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
@ruinedpicnic: [checks window] [locks door] [starts to tweet] shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY
@Tommytoughstuff: [getting an x-ray] TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest. ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.