I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t