“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
how do y’all walk in shallow water
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.