The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
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Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me too door. Me too.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Every time.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Saw your ex at the shops
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!