@LeslieInMpls: The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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@BisHilarious: One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should've because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
@Lazer_Cat_: Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
@Donna_McCoy: Sorry I yelled, "Sweep the leg!" when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend. But I stand by my advice.
@Beesthegame: Man: I'd like an order of buffalo wings Bartender: sorry, we don't serve food here *a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*