@LeslieInMpls: The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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@Manda_like_wine: Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
@realbjdunne: [restaurant] waiter: can i bring you a drink menu? me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
@FatherWithTwins: My 7-year-old wrote this joke: What's a zombie's favorite weather? A brainstorm. I've never been more proud.