The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I created you as mosquito food.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed