The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”