The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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he chose this
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.