The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
You Might Also Like
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?