The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
The best shot in the history of golf
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
man i love columbo
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”