Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child