The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies