@behindyourback: the children's version of "The Catcher In The Rye" is called "My Little Phony"
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@AndrewNadeau0: WIFE: How could you spend our money on this? ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
@AbbyHasIssues: I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
@BigRedKraut: I don't use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
@internetluke: [mom ridiculing me in front of new GF] "Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he'd get a new family"