@valerie_tosi: The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."
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@T_N_Crumpets: Wife: Are you crying in there? Me crying: NO! W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door* Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
@capricecrane: Now's a good time to change your facebook name to "Nobody," so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, "Nobody likes this."
@Wakenbake77: I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking, I can turn water into Sprite.