@valerie_tosi: The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said "It's cute that you think I'm here for that."
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheRolo: Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter? Me: we met at a nickelback conc- Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
@david8hughes: You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
@KeetPotato: [kelloggs meeting] "okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?" a chicken "jim is there something wrong at home?"
@SortaSarcastic: Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I'd like for you to look at.