The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
You Might Also Like
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*