The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I got bills
They’re multiplying
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
bugs when you lift up a rock
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!