The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
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Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
WHY?!
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.