My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”