The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
work smarter, not harder
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.