The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I just love that new Pope smell.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.